09 March 2018

More love.

I've had a lot of "ah-ha" moments this week.
Received a little loving retribution, even.
Get down on everyone's level kind of reminders.

I'm more convinced than ever before the answer is love.
It's always love.
More love.
More love.

For me, the greatest source of love is found in Jesus Christ & His Father.
Their love is the love that drives me.
That is the purest love I have found.
It is the purest love that I know.

Everyone's source of love is different.
& our sources of love shift depending on where we are in our lives.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter.
Wherever you find love, run with it.
Love is light.
& all light is good light.

John 15: 12 This is my commandment, 
That ye love one another, as I have loved you.

26 November 2017


I'm honored to have been in 4 of the 6 Orgill Christmas dance videos.

I love each of these people dearly.

13 October 2017


I've always been self conscious of my nose, but I'm learning to love it because it's big like my dads. (Love you, Dad) 

😜I've gained 10 pounds since I got married, but with those 10 pounds came lots of memories, weekly date nights & late-night ice-cream runs.

I raaaaarely wear make-up & 9 out of 10 days I wear yoga pants, but I'm more comfortable that way & I no longer feel self-conscious about it. 

If people question my motives or decisions I no longer crumble with self-doubt. I stand firmly without wavering; knowing that I’m incredibly worthy, wise & strong. 

There are days my anxiety is unmanageable, but rather than attacking myself for it I now chalk it up to a bad day & look forward to tomorrow. 

This year I have focused on self-love. I have focused on developing an indestructible sense of self. I have focused on setting realistic expectations & for the first time in a long time I feel like I not only know the in's-&-out's of myself but am so completely at peace & accepting of what I see. I'm infinitely more tolerant of my weaknesses & I treat myself with patience & understanding & acceptance; like I would anyone else. 

Self-love & self-compassion has changed my very core. Not only has it changed my relationship with myself but with all of those around me. I’ve learned that setting boundaries aren’t personal attacks, but often times lovingly necessary. I still have bad days & I still have my insecurities - but they no longer hinder me. I acknowledge them for what they are & then let it go. Life was not meant to be lived criticizing ourselves &/or others. We each have so much to offer the world & our “perceived” weaknesses can be the most defining marks of our character.

27 September 2017

Anxiety & me

I have anxiety; more specifically GAD.

Sometimes it's severe & sometimes it's not.

Sometimes I can overcome it & sometimes I can't. 

On Sunday I could not.

After attending the second hour of church my anxiety snuck up on me. The thought of interacting in relief society was just too much & I couldn't bring myself to go, so my husband took my hand, walked me to the car & held me.

Life isn't always easy & it's not always glamorous. My life isn't tidy & it certainly isn't perfect, but it's overwhelmingly good.

I'm one of the lucky ones. For the most part I've learned to manage my anxiety & it's not nearly as severe as it could be.

Anyway, I say all of this because tonight as I was going through my phone I noticed Joseph had - unbeknownst to me - taken this picture on Sunday. To me, it sums up marriage. It sums up love. It sums up life.

It's hard but it's good.
And I'm not quite sure how,
but it really is the hard that makes it good.

And for that I'm undeniably grateful.

16 September 2017

I don't understand hardness

“It’s the hard things that break; soft things don’t break. 
It was an epiphany I had today and I just wonder 
why it took me so very, very long to see it! 
You can waste so many years of your life trying to 
become something hard in order not to break; 
but it’s the soft things that can’t break.

 The hard things are the ones that shatter into a million pieces.” 

I don't understand hardness.

I don't understand not feeling everything with every bone & nerve in your body.

I don't understand feeling emotions half-way -- I never have.

I don't understand the concept of not caring infinitely
about people & places & things & animals & nature & God.

I don't understand hearts that refuse to feel & I don't understand
souls that are careless & reckless & intentionally negligent with another's.

I don't understand living half-way.
 I don't understand passionless life.
I don't understand lifeless love.

I understand tenderness & gentleness & 
sensitivity & compassion & empathy.

I understand feeling so much it hurts.
I understand getting attached to everything & everyone that crosses my path. 
I understand physically & mentally & emotionally experiencing someone
else's pain with them.

I understand softness.
I understand awareness.
& I understand love.

“Just because you are soft doesn't mean you are not a force. 
Honey and wildfire are both the colour gold.” 
― Victoria Erickson

03 August 2017

My heart is full -

It's a Thursday. 
There's nothing particularly special about today. 
It's just another day. 
I took my last final for summer semester today.
My dog Bella is having puppies next week.

Yada, yada, yada.

I think it's just another day,
but then I remember who I get to spend life with -

And then I realize that today is an exceptionally special day...
because the sweet boy in the picture makes every day a special day.

How I found Joseph I'll never know,
but I'm forever grateful and humbled that I did. 

He makes life more perfect than I ever hoped it could be.

And well... that's pretty special.

02 July 2017

Happy quarter of a century, babe


 You are my safe place,
my happy place,
and my favorite place.

So grateful you were born, love. 

13 June 2017

I'm the luckiest

As I look through these pictures I just get so unbelievably giddy that this is my sweet little family. I don't know how I got so lucky.

06 June 2017

“Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion.” - Franz Kafka

In February of this year I realized that my anxiety had risen to an unmanageable high. Feeling hopeless, scared and broken, I sought help. I started counseling and in desperation told my counselor I couldn't live like this anymore. I told her I didn't feel capable of maintaining relationships, because there was a level of depth I couldn't get to. I didn't want people to know who I was or the things I was feeling, because the fear of having it held against me was too great. Before people could hurt me I would sabotage every friendship and acquaintance that I had, and I simply wasn't going to let anyone hurt me before I could hurt them.

Every possible fear in every possible part of my life escalated, and I felt like life was a ticking time-bomb waiting for my life to blow up in flames. I broke out into hives and literally lived each day holding my breath until something went wrong, and for the life of me I couldn't seem to grasp onto anything stable or steady. There was nothing in my life that was reliable, and I woke up each day fully expecting my husband to leave me, someone to betray me, and everyone to hurt me.

As I attended counseling every week, the words couldn't leave my mouth quickly enough. The tears were endless and the countless feelings that I had were finally in a safe space, with a professional who was a complete stranger and couldn't possibly be judgmental or bias of my situation. Every week I felt like I could breathe a little bit easier. There were things from my childhood I hadn't ever forgotten - let alone resolve. Criticisms I had believed my whole life became my way of life, and in addition the emotional abuse from my ex-husband never left my head. I felt unfit as a wife, and I felt incapable of even thinking about becoming a mother. I felt like a waste of space; a tormented, helpless soul that was unworthy and undeserving of anything good in my life.

Things had to change, and with the support of my family and therapist I re-adjusted my medication and re-grouped. I starting becoming more aware of my triggers. I became more aware of my anxiety and what my body did physiologically when I was feeling too much. I took a hiatus from work and I started exercising more. I studied my scriptures more intensely, and I made self-compassion, self-forgiveness and self-love my number one goal. I intentionally reframed my negative thoughts and I reminded myself over and over again that perfection is unattainable. I came to a stark realization that the very pursuit of perfectionism is the pursuit of trying to rise above the human condition, and not only is that unreachable but inimical. In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the culture inevitably at times gets to your head, and it got to mine. I started feeling this overwhelming amount of guilt when I didn't measure up, and when my anxiety interfered with my calling, my testimony, and my motivation, I was simply too discouraged to keep trying.

I had to let go. I had to let go of so many things. When my anxiety interfered with me failing to meet a commitment, I had to take a breath and remind myself that I'm still worthy. Imperfection is not a symbol of personal defeat but it is the natural lot of mortals, and I am better for it. I had to forgive myself for saying no, and I had to remind myself that I am responsible for my own well-being. If people identify my self-focus and self-awareness as being unfair, I have to remind myself I'm not always responsible for how things are perceived. For the first time in a long time, my number one priority was to understand my needs for physical, spiritual and emotional well-being... and for the first time in a long time, I could breathe.

I would like to say that this new-found steadiness and understanding will always remain with me, but I can't. I have been given certain limitations and weaknesses in life that are my personal plight in mortality, and it is up to me to cope with them the best way that I know how. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a tricky little thing. It feels so unmanageable at times, (as do countless other trials we endure) but there is a level of empathy and compassion that I wouldn't be able to extend so freely had I not been given this specific set of trials. I guess that's the important thing in all of this, really. To understand our given condition in this life and to treat it with mercy, patience and understanding, much like our Heavenly Father and Savior do. Then, I suppose, we need to embrace our many blessings. I am undeniably grateful for the core set of human beings I have in my life. They strengthen me, support me, and love me. I am grateful to live in this modern day and age, where resources for mental limitations are so readily accessible. I am thankful to know that no matter what obstacles we encounter in our life, we aren't foreordained to be ruined by them. Our potential as children of God is limitless, and with God on our side, failure never has to be an option.

So... we take the good times with the bad; the peace with the chaos. And we take every day, each day, one step at a time.

23 May 2017

"If we’re not serving Jesus, if He’s not in our thoughts and hearts, then the things of the world will draw us, instead, to them." -Neal A. Maxwell

It's no secret that Neal A. Maxwell is my hero in more ways than one. The way he speaks penetrates my soul in a way that nothing and nobody else quite can. I came across a talk of his today, and although I'm sure I've heard it before I found things in his words that I needed to hear, which is so often how scriptures, conference, institute, and gospel-centered talks seem to work. There is a new message each time you listen to it. 

I so needed a reminder this morning to focus on eternity and value that which has eternal value. Spend time on things that will last forever, and forget the temporal and superficial issues that seem to weigh us down so heavily.