05 October 2012

A Loss Of Love

Three months ago, on July 5th of 2012, I woke up, went to work, and repeated most of my morning rituals. The night before, my husband and I had a barbecue with my family. We lit fireworks, and we celebrated the fourth of July. But this morning, this morning on July 5th I got a text message from my husband, saying that he was leaving me, telling me he wanted a divorce. Shocked, hysterical, and in complete dismay, I called my husband and begged him to come home and talk to me. He told me he was too busy, but that he would discuss it later that night. Six hours later, he walked in the door.

The way to describe this night can only be described in one way: dark. Something wasn't right. Something was going on. My husband sat on the floor and started picking his toenails... SERIOUSLY? I sat there, crying, begging, asking him why he was doing this. I told him a divorce wasn't justified. I told him we made temple covenants. I told him this wasn't just an overnight decision - it was something you earnestly prayed about and fasted about... and even then!! Divorce isn't just something that you do!! Shattering an eternal marriage has its implications. He looked at me, he started to laugh, and he said, "this is obviously going to be a lot harder for you than it is for me." He stood there completely stoic, completely unaffected, and completely firm in his decision. He told me to get out of the apartment and give him the keys to the car, (I was paying rent for the apartment, and oh yeah, the car was mine.) A family member came and picked me up, and I tried, unsuccessfully, to sleep through the worst night of my life.

The next day I thought it was a dream - a total nightmare. I called him. I texted him. Nothing. Sick as a dog, my body was reacting to what was going on. I was taken to the hospital, my throat on fire because there was nothing left in my body to exit, but the throwing up continued, every few seconds. My body shaking, my mind reeling, my heart - completely and utterly and entirely broken.

A few days later my husband had the courtesy to call me back - only to tell me he had been on a camping trip that weekend, which was why he couldn't talk. Who was this person? Who was I married to? And what in the freaking world was going on?

I told him I was praying for him as much as I was praying for himself. I told him this marriage was between him, myself, and the Lord. I told him I was so worried. Eerily casually, he said he had made up his mind, and was going to start the divorce papers.

And that was that.

Recalling that night, rehashing that story... it feels foreign, it feels wrong. It feels like a dream. It feels like a lifetime ago and it feels like yesterday. Was it yesterday? What is happening? How is this my life? There are questions - millions of them. There are feelings - too many of them. There are promises - promises I thought so sacred - that were broken in a few seconds. There is betrayal - betrayal I never thought I would have to feel. There is anger. There is resentment. There is confusion. There is bitterness. There is breaking - there is broken...

Everything is broken.