15 December 2012

“Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity.” -Neal A. Maxwell

There are times I so badly want to give a thorough account of my divorce. There are times I want to talk about what has happened since then; the things I've learned that were going on during our marriage, the sickness I've been faced with emotionally and physically, the hopelessness I have dealt with, the hurt I have so carefully tried to hide. I want to write about each and every minute, each and every emotion, each and every last thing that happened.

These past six (almost) months, have been the most trying, and most rewarding six months of my life, (but if you quote me on that, I'll probably deny I said it.) When I think about the amount of pain I have dealt with, it hurts my already hurt heart. I want to nurture my heart back to healing, because it is so far from mending. I want to hug myself, and tell myself that it's going to be okay. I want to sit right next to me, and promise this vulnerable twenty one year old girl that everything will be alright in the end. It is hard, not to want bad things for people who inflict this kind of pain, but I genuinely, would not wish this on anyone, ever. Betrayal is an all-consuming thing, and it is so difficult to know how to deal with it gracefully. I have learned that hard things happen in life, to everyone, no matter what, and it is completely and entirely our decision if we choose to learn from them, or if we choose to let it create malicious feelings in our heart. 

I think back to the girl I was going into this. I remember the day perfectly. I remember laying on the bathroom floor, body shaking, being taken to the hospital, spending the next three days there. I remember staring at the ceiling tiles, counting each one, trying to distract myself from the pain, trying to distract myself from it all.

I look at myself now, and yes, I am lightyears away from who I want to be. I have a lifetime and the next to get there, but I do not recognize the girl I was six months ago. I have become unbelievably strong. I have become completely reliant on my Heavenly Father and Savior. I knew I loved the gospel six months ago, I knew the gospel was true, I knew it meant everything, but now? I have a love so deep for this gospel, it consumes my soul, and it consumes my every thought. I live with a prayer in my heart, and the Holy Ghost as my companion. I live solely to represent my Savior the best way I know how. I live with the intention of becoming a true disciple of Christ, with everything I think, everything I say, and everything I do. I have given back everything the Lord has given me, and laid it at His feet. My life is His, and whatever His will is for me is what I will do. I feel like Nephi, (I am in no way comparing myself to Nephi) but I feel like I am ready and waiting to follow the Lord, regardless of what happens, regardless if it is difficult, regardless if it is not wanted. 

I don't understand why people say the gospel limits us, or results in 'missing out' on something greater. The gospel sets us free. It brings happiness. It brings hope. It brings a sweet solace and a special presence that you can not find any other way. It brings an understanding of mortality, and eternal life. It offers us the remarkable gift of the Atonement, of being forgiven, of struggling with our shortcomings but learning from them. It blesses us with the power of prayer, and the knowledge of the Book of Mormon. It blesses us with extraordinary men who lead this church, and teach us what we need to know in these latter days. It blesses us with every resource we could ever need to work through our mortal journey, it blesses us with every answer to our questions, and it blesses us with the assurance, that if we will live righteously and worthily, and endure to the end, we will not fail. We will not fall short. We will not be left alone. We will not be forsaken. We will not be led astray. We will not be forgotten. We are each entitled to these blessings.

My sister tells me to blog about something other than the church, because I know, it is all I talk about, but it's all I talk about because it truly has become my life. It is what I think about, it is what gets me through every difficult moment throughout the day, and if I could scream all of this from the rooftops I would. The church is true, it is so, so true, and I love my Heavenly Father and Savior more than words on my blog could ever convey.