24 May 2013

Not So Lonely

There are some moments when 
loneliness gets the best of me.

There are waves of sadness 
every now and then.

There are times when my heart hurts;
kind of a gnawing twinge of pain 
that seems to linger.

In those moments, my Father 
in heaven and His Son are so near.

My Grandpa is so near.

The Spirit is so near.

As dark as those moments get;
they are my most precious.

The moments - when I'm in them - 
seem never-ending,
until I feel the love of my Savior.

Heaven kind of wraps me up in its arms, 
and for a second I'm home.

For a second; 
Their love is the only thing 
I'm aware of.

And in these moments of loneliness, 
Their love makes it okay.

Tears of sadness
quickly become tears of love,
and an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

My Savior has felt this,
and He is with me.

He is carrying me every step of the way.

These moments; 
these difficult, trying moments, 
are the ones I will always cherish most. 

19 May 2013

The gospel is so good.

"There is something in this walk of salvation; 
this quest, that says we have to pay something... 
I think when we've come to know the Savior, 
it's when we've been out somewhere - 
at least in the borderlands of Gethsemane. 
The road to salvation always goes through Gethsemane, 
and it will always require a journey to the summit of Calvary. 

If we say we are disciples of Christ we walk where He walked, 
we feel what He felt, we pray the way He prayed 
and we shed the tears He shed... 
I do not know ... what it means to say that 
we are disciples of Christ, but 'I don't want to do what He did - 
I don't want to feel what He felt...' 
I don't think that can work. 
I think the invitation is always come follow Me...

My convictions and my feelings 
for the Savior of the world have been born 
in the most desperate hours of my life; 
when I wondered whether the sun would ever come up again. 
It seemed to come up for other people. 
It seemed to come up every morning 
for everybody else I could see - but not for me... 

...Some parts of the discipleship 
require that walk... To some degree, 
that love for Him, and that feeling for Him, 
and the majesty that He is, 
I think cannot come except in anguish."

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

16 May 2013

Honor Your Grief

Being single after being married is one of the most awkward things, ever. There are lots of reasons why, but I trust that I don't have to explain why... it just is. 

Trusting someone after you've been so burned seems so totally far-fetched, and laughable, honestly. For six months, I didn't talk to a single male other than my Dad, my Stake President, my Bishop, and my brother-in-law. One day, while I was living in New Zealand, my mom and I went to the mall in Takapuna. We were getting hot chocolate, and I had gone to find us a table. I saw a young man walking towards me, and I immediately felt nauseous. He came over, we started to talk a little bit, and it was great, until he said that I was beautiful, and he wanted my number. No joke, no exaggeration, I started to cry. I cried in front of this young man who asked for my phone number. He looked at me, and I at him, and I awkwardly asked, "have you heard of the Mormon church?"

Looking back at this story now, I can't help but laugh, but in that moment it was so far from funny. We talked a little bit about the gospel, I gave him my parents number, and told him to give them a call if he ever wanted to speak with the missionaries. Needless to say he never called.

Shortly after I got home from New Zealand, I went on my first actual date. Again, no joke, and no exaggeration, I started to cry on the way to dinner. He turned the car around, and brought me back home. Fortunately he was kind and understanding, but it was still terribly awkward. He denied it was but seriously? Freaking awkward.

I have since gone on my fair share of dates. I am making progress... slowly. But here is what I am trying to get at. There is no timetable for grieving. There is no timetable for healing. Honor your grief. Honor your situation. Honor your feelings. Honor the lessons that you have learned along the way.

Trusting someone again might quite possibly be one of the hardest things I will ever learn how to do, but I take baby steps every day. I trust that the sun will rise in the morning. I trust that C comes after B in the alphabet. I trust that the Lord is there every time I pray, and sometimes, that is about as good as it's going to get. 

There are times I get upset with myself, and I think, he's already getting married... He moved on in less than two minutes... I don't understand. But let me add this, I am so grateful that I don't understand. I hope I am never capable of understanding how someone could do that. 

My heart is tender. It will be for a while. 
Trusting others is hard. It will be for a while. 
I'm still healing. I will be for a while. 

But I know that the sun will rise in the morning.

15 May 2013

Beauty in the Suffering.

Working where I do is a huge blessing in and of itself, for many, many reasons. To open every day with an opening prayer, to listen to church music all day long, to come in contact with people daily who are needing help and looking for counsel and specifically, hopefully advice we can give; these things are such a blessing, particularly to me at this point in my life. 

I can't count how many days I have walked into work with millions of things on my mind. I can't count how many times I have walked into the restroom and knelt on the floor, and asked for the Lords help to get me through the day. I also can't count how many people have walked into the front doors with tears in their eyes, completely exasperated, and needing someone to listen to them, and needing someone to find something that can help them in their particular struggle and time of need. 

With these words I am trying to make two points. One, life is so much bigger than us and whatever we may be dealing with. Life, and the struggles that come with it do not only overcome us, they do not only wash over our lives, although at times it certainly feels that's the way it is. The Lord intends us to look outside of ourselves, particularly and especially when we are in the depths of despair ourselves. Secondly, there are so many things we should be expressing gratitude for, that we simply let pass us by. Often times for myself, when someone is struggling and I hear of their struggles, and specifically how much harder they seem to be, that is when I remember to step back and count my blessings; and that simply isn't good enough. There is too much to be grateful for to only remember them sparingly, and to remember them only when we remember things could be so much worse. 

Life is a blessing. Waking up is a blessing. And my heavens having the truth of the gospel is the biggest blessing one can be blessed with; and to constantly be drowning in our own misery, failing to recognize the lessons being learned while drowning in our misery, failing to appreciate the blessings around us - even though we are drowning in misery - is simply unfortunate, and simply ungrateful. 

So be grateful. 
Count your blessings. 
Find someone to serve. 
Give someone your time. 
Life is beautiful. 
Make it beautiful for someone else.

On one more note, I want to thank those who have sent me emails, who - heaven only knows why - appreciates what I've written on this little blog. It is honestly, simply humbling, and reading your words do more for me, than what this blog could do for you. Regardless, thank you.

09 May 2013

A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of sheep.

And it came to pass the Lord said unto me: 
If they have not charity it mattereth not unto thee, 
thou hast been faithful.
Ether 12:37

Far too often we get caught up in the ways of the world; and distracted by the much too powerful, often times insignificant opinions of the world. I have found freedom and liberty in understanding and practicing several different things, but being only consumed with my Father in heaven and His Son, I have discovered more freedom and peace than almost any other quality I continually try to master. 

We obviously each should care about what others think of us, but always to an extent, and more often than not we care far too much. 

Unkind words are commonly spoken from the most insecure. Unkind words are often spoken out of inferiority, often anger, and sometimes, perhaps even sadness. Regardless of the reason, those who speak unkind words deserve the most love and compassion of all.

Unkind words will never signify someone's strength. It only magnifies their weakness, and in return our strength is proven in how we deal with those experiences.

If there are people you simply can't love, never, ever stop trying until you are better able to see the 'rudiments of God in them' -as Elder Busche would say. We are each spirit children, with endless possibilities, and second chances. We are each and individually loved by our eternal Father and Savior. We are all entitled to happiness, and glory, and peace. 

Next time feeble words are spoken ask yourself one thing: Is this what God thinks of me?

If you think there might be some truth to the words, reevaluate what you are doing, however if is not, see those words for what they are, but mostly, trust in that scripture found in Ether, broken down into this:

The way others treat you mattereth not,
if you have been faithful. 

Love others the way Christ loves us.
Especially those who perhaps,
don't necessarily love you.
Always love as Christ did.
For that way never faileth.