16 May 2013

Honor Your Grief


Being single after being married is one of the most awkward things, ever. There are lots of reasons why, but I trust that I don't have to explain why... it just is. 

Trusting someone after you've been so burned seems so totally far-fetched, and laughable, honestly. For six months, I didn't talk to a single male other than my Dad, my Stake President, my Bishop, and my brother-in-law. One day, while I was living in New Zealand, my mom and I went to the mall in Takapuna. We were getting hot chocolate, and I had gone to find us a table. I saw a young man walking towards me, and I immediately felt nauseous. He came over, we started to talk a little bit, and it was great, until he said that I was beautiful, and he wanted my number. No joke, no exaggeration, I started to cry. I cried in front of this young man who asked for my phone number. He looked at me, and I at him, and I awkwardly asked, "have you heard of the Mormon church?"

Looking back at this story now, I can't help but laugh, but in that moment it was so far from funny. We talked a little bit about the gospel, I gave him my parents number, and told him to give them a call if he ever wanted to speak with the missionaries. Needless to say he never called.

Shortly after I got home from New Zealand, I went on my first actual date. Again, no joke, and no exaggeration, I started to cry on the way to dinner. He turned the car around, and brought me back home. Fortunately he was kind and understanding, but it was still terribly awkward. He denied it was but seriously? Freaking awkward.

I have since gone on my fair share of dates. I am making progress... slowly. But here is what I am trying to get at. There is no timetable for grieving. There is no timetable for healing. Honor your grief. Honor your situation. Honor your feelings. Honor the lessons that you have learned along the way.

Trusting someone again might quite possibly be one of the hardest things I will ever learn how to do, but I take baby steps every day. I trust that the sun will rise in the morning. I trust that C comes after B in the alphabet. I trust that the Lord is there every time I pray, and sometimes, that is about as good as it's going to get. 

There are times I get upset with myself, and I think, he's already getting married... He moved on in less than two minutes... I don't understand. But let me add this, I am so grateful that I don't understand. I hope I am never capable of understanding how someone could do that. 

My heart is tender. It will be for a while. 
Trusting others is hard. It will be for a while. 
I'm still healing. I will be for a while. 

But I know that the sun will rise in the morning.