28 January 2017

I changed my last name

I held onto resentment towards my ex for a lot of reasons, but one of them was because he peaced out WEEKS after I legally changed my last name. For every woman out there who has legally changed their last name, they know sitting in the social security office for three hours and changing names on bank statements, car and health insurances, work information, passports and everywhere else that displays your last name is just inconvenient. When I married Joseph, I refused to legally change my last name until he was married to me for one year. That one year came and went and my untouched marriage certificate and passport remained in the dashboard of my car. I drove to the social security office several times over the next year, only to find myself driving back out of the parking lot seconds later due to my fears of abandonment and honestly, my pride. To most it seems silly. I'm already married! The name on my church records show Kenna Orgill, and every time I enter the temple that's what the sweet old man checking my temple recommend calls me. 

"Welcome to the temple, Sister Orgill."

That's what really matters the most, right? Yes, but still it wasn't silly to me. I figured if Joseph left me, it would be one less thing to have to worry about. 

Last week, days before our two-year anniversary I mustered the courage to wait in that social security office and present my marriage certificate to the woman behind the glass. What a range of mixed emotions. A couple of days later, the night of our anniversary, I handed Joseph a wrapped box with a bow, and inside was a paper verifying that I was legally, officially, an Orgill. 

He cried and I cried, and again, though that seems strange to some this really was the final step I had to make in order to completely, and totally devote and commit myself to this marriage. Above all, it was the final step in me believing Joseph is completely devoted and committed to this marriage. 

So today, I got a card in the mail. 

And I couldn't be more proud to legally be an Orgill.

23 January 2017

Happy two-year Anniversary

I remember the morning of our wedding day. I remember sitting in the car with my Dad as we drove to the Bountiful temple. I remember the peace and the excitement and the utter gratitude I felt. I remember Elder Callister's beautiful words as he sealed me and Joseph for eternity. I remember looking at Joseph across the altar and simply knowing without a shadow of a doubt, that everything which had happened in my life up until this point was leading me to this moment.

I remember that feeling of pure gratitude, joy, and complete peace so well, because every time I think about my marriage to Joseph I still feel the same way.

I don't know how I managed to find a man who is so kind and so good, and let's be honest, I wasn't the one who found him. I knew then and I know now that only my Father in heaven could have found and set aside such a special individual. 

Throughout the course of my dating relationship with Joseph, I asked Heavenly Father multiple times to tell me I was crazy or to tell me I was wrong. I told Him that nothing in life could possibly feel this right.

But it did.

And it was.

I truly married the sweetest, most sensitive soul. I married someone who cries more than I do (sorry Jos), and I married someone who shows me the true meaning of Christ-like love every time he interacts with anyone. I married someone who drops everything to come and see me if I'm having a bad day; someone who holds me and reminds me how to breathe until my anxiety has passed. I married someone who lives to love people and more than anything he wants people to be happy. I married someone who is a friend to every stranger, and is as absolutely loyal as they come. It's not humanly possible for Joseph to turn his back on people, and he's never satisfied with himself because he's constantly trying to be better. I married someone who works harder than anyone I've met, and his desire and drive to provide for a family is and always has been his greatest motivation. I married someone who doesn't know how to remain angry, and I married someone who encompasses forgiveness and the Atonement more than I thought anyone possibly could. I married someone who deals with my weaknesses in a way that only he could and still manages to remain forever patient with me. I married a man who loves me, and not once in the time I've known him have I EVER doubted that he does.

He is in every way, the better half of me. Who he is, is who I hope to most emulate in this life and the next. I'm a better person for every day I know him, and I celebrate his devotion to me every day, but especially today. 

Happy 2-year Anniversary, love.

Forever could never be long enough.





10 January 2017

"The essence of being human is that one does not seek for perfection." George Orwell

I've always prided myself on the fact that I don't pretend my life is perfect. This blog for me has been an open and raw place for me to talk about the trials I've experienced in my life. I've openly shared that I'm no stranger to anxiety and depression. I went through a divorce and wrote all of the nitty gritty details. I think I learned fairly quickly that perfection (offline and online) is unattainable.

That simple concept was reinforced however when my sister sent me a link to this story the other day. Trying to maintain the look of perfection is not only a trivial (and superficial pursuit), but the pursuit of maintaining a perfect life on social media can be emotionally taxing and unnecessarily draining.

I've received emails from handfuls of people who once read my blog, saying that they feel like it is harder to relate to me now that "everything in my life is perfect." A lot of these people who have reached out are still smack dab in the middle of a divorce; still reeling from the whirlwind they call their life. Receiving these emails, and then reading this news story my sister sent me made me think twice about blogging. Just because I'm married to a great guy BY NO MEANS MAKES MY LIFE PERFECT. It means that an aspect of my life that once didn't make sense now does. There are a million other aspects to my life. A good marriage alone cannot make someone happy, and it certainly cannot fix all of your problems. In fact the very act of marriage alone, the act of caring and putting another human being before all of YOUR needs? Well that only brings more ish to the table.

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to begin blogging again, and honestly I didn't feel like I had anything to blog about until I realized that there really is so much more to my life than what this blog was founded on. I still worry about the future. I still have plenty of insecurities. I still have trust problems and anxiety up the wazoo, but with that comes a whole lot of happiness and a whole lot of good. Which is exactly what life is made up of.

A whole lot of ugly interspersed by some beautiful moments.

So here we go again.

Back to the blogging world.

We meet again.

01 January 2017

Easy Isn't Best

I initially considered 2016 to be the best year of my life, but when I started thinking about why it would be the best year of my life, the more I realized it really hasn't been. It's been one of the easier years of my life. And being the best and being easy are two very different things.

I then started reflecting on 2015. Then 2014, 2013, and 2012. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that ultimately, the best years of my life have been the hardest. And then I thought that makes no sense. The last thing I want to do is re-live those years, but had those years not happened 2016 wouldn't have been what it was. And the reason why the hardest years were the best years, was because I grew. I became better. I walked out of the year entirely different than I walked into it. And trials do that to us. 

Trials force change. 

When circumstances change we either choose to change along with them, or we don't.
And I chose to change.
And I'm so much better for it. 

In 2016 I learned so much. I continued my education. I realized the importance of family and I discovered how to embrace the not-so-pretty parts of me. I saw qualities within myself I wanted to improve, and I chose to take the initiative and do just that. My husband and I had an incredible second year of marriage, and both learned how to much more effectively help and communicate one with another. In fact I learned to more fully trust my husband, and I think I have finally gotten to a point where I actually believe him when he says he'll never leave me.

So much growth and progress happened, but I can't help looking back fondly on the years that so completely and entirely broke me - which in turn so perfectly and thoroughly restored me.

I am so grateful for a God that knew His children needed opposition to truly appreciate the good and the easier times in life. I couldn't be more grateful for 2016, but more than that I couldn't be more grateful for all of the years that led up to it.

Here's to hoping 2017 is a year of change, progression, and growth.